Friday, July 07, 2006

Erika & Kaysar...hmm...

Lakshmi is watching with much interest the billiards game between Kaysar and Erika.
Joker's notes the following exchange:
kaysar says attraction is important, but personality is most important.
erika "ok... i'll marry you."
kaysar " i thought you'd never ask"
erika "we (her mom and her) love you though. you're like omar shariff"
Erika has been flirting throughout their session at the pool table. Could the proximity bug be biting so soon in the game? Or is the game playing going straight to the heart?

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Hot times in the HoH

Lakshmi is excited. The hamsters are in the house, the first show airs tonight, and it's going to get hotter than my Uncle Venky's vindaloo.

Across America, thousands of internet maniacs are settled in with peanut butter and jelly, Kingfisher beer, and garlic naan waiting for our cloven-knickered hostess to utter the famous words that kick off the season:

BUT FIRST...

Who will hook up? With scheming vixens Diane and Alison in the house, the boys had better be thinking with the proper heads. Lakshmi thinks this doesn't look good for Howie and Jase.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Love and the All-Stars: BB7

What will the new season bring? The reality star universe is fairly close, and they've had plenty of time to mingle. They have also had plenty of time to think back on how releationships affected their game play. Many have said so on their casting interviews. Will they learn? Will the proximity bug bite? Stay tuned to see how it all plays out.

Lakshmi's prediction: at least one pair hamsters will throw caution to the wind and enjoy a shipboard romance on BB7. Will it result in an on-air proposal, a live-on-internet roll in the hay, bubble bath fun, or quiet blanket tent action, only time will tell.

Love and the Gold Room: BB6

The producers tried one more time with the super-secret Theme Twist, this time setting up a whole "Summer of Secrets." The concept fizzled out quickly as first internet feedsters and chatters, and then the hamsters themselves figured out that everybody was playing with a secret partner.

Among the partners were James and Sarah; the Young Republican Dittohead and the sweet poster child for He's Just Not That Into You. James turned out to be the all-time Veto King of Big Brother. His treatment of and comments about Sarah left some chatters wondering if she shouldn't take the next bus home.

The breakout star of the show, buxom blonde bombshell Janelle, was bitten by the proximity bug this season, and paired up with "dreamy" Michael. Their relationship didn't last long in the house, and after doing the rabbit thing after the show wrapped, they went their separate ways. Chatters hoped for a pairing with classy Kaysar, but the chemistry never happened.

Goofy Howie was a walking manual of how not to get the girl. A genuinely nice guy, he somehow lacks the finesse, tact, and filter on his mouth to engage a woman in serious conversation. Despite all the talk of boobies and the shenanigans with the jack shack, Howie remains one of the stars of the season. His late night conversations with Kaysar, the Jedi light sabre fights with Janelle, and his insane rants on Busto are highlights of the entire six seasons of Big Brother.

Love and the Horsemen: BB5

There is no explaining season five of Big Brother. The major CBS Theme Twist, "Project DNA," was lame. The twins part was interesting, but informing Cowboy and Nakomis that they were brother and sister was just plain cruel and cringe-worthy.

BB5 probably offered the most bizarre collection of characters in any season. Marvelous Mf'n Marv was quotable on the chat boards, but his diary rooms were apparently unusable on TV because of all the profanity. No doubt he would have loved to get with any of the young ladies in the house, but his stinky feet and foul mouth prevented him from scoring. Krazy Karen was an artist who inexplicably wasted her talents on Yankees memorabilia.

This was the season of pinky swears, bible reading, twinglish and metrosexuals. Never before was there so much primping in front of the mirror, and the main culprits were the Three Horsemen and an Ottman (hat tip: Marcellas). Drew, Scott & Jase were beautiful guys who knew it. Internet fans knew more than they ever wanted to about Scott before the show began when pictures of him and his No. 2 pencil made the rounds. BB feedsters saw more of Cowboy than they ever wanted to, although there was apparently not much to see, let alone hang a hat on. Jase was a struggling actor who played the crazy role. He hooked up with Holly, and wasted precious game time snuggling with her and engaging in bathtub foot worship. His devotion to Holly quickly cost her the game as her Cheez-It was moved off the board, and Jase himself was eventually maneuvered out the door.

Drew and Diane provided night owl feedsters with plenty of entertainment, and their every undercover move was chronicled nightly. It's hard to tell if Drew really had a strategy, but riding Diane's coattails and stabbing her in the back won him the grand prize. Another in-house relationship bites the dust.

Possibly the strangest thing this season was the Brokeback Brother phenomenon of the guys bathing together. Jase's naked fruit diving was not only gross, it clogged the tub and the producers put a stop to it.

BB5 may not be considered the best season, but there is not doubt it was the kinkiest.

Love and the X Factor: BB4

For some reason, the producers thought they needed an overall Theme Twist to keep the show interesting. They first tried this in 2003 with the X-factor, a repulsive gimmick that brought ex-lovers into the house with the unsuspecting hamsters. Five of the eight original houseguests were shocked and repulsed; one was so disturbed he was hauled off the set by security.

Then the hookups began. Call it the ProXimity Factor. You almost need a scorecard to figure out who was on what team and who exactly scored.

Alison's ex-boyfriend Justin hung with two other exes to form the Three Stooges, but he also formed an under-the-sheets alliance with Dana. The romance continued into the sequester house, but not too much longer.
Scott's ex, Amanda, drove him crazy, and he found himself expelled from the Big Brother house. Amanda went on to participate in the first ever in-house sex on BB USA with Ranger Dave. Unfortunately, she also witnessed the first major in-bed puking of a houseguest. The doing of the nasty--and the nastier aftermath--was hidded behind the infamous Front Of The House, but the foreplay and insertion were streamed live. Amanda was evicted the next day. Dave's ex, Michele, had already been evicted, and no doubt watched in horror with her parents from the comfort of home.

I may not have excelled in my chemistry courses, but I know that youth+hormones+proximity puts the X-factor in sex.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Love and The Monkey House: BB3

After Nicole's meltdown, the producers shielded the hamsters from banner planes--a tactic that worked until BB6. They also introduced the "scandalous" Power of Veto v1.0.

The third season of Big Brother saw the casting settle into a familiar pattern: shallow 20-something hardbodies with a couple of token oldsters. They conveniently combined the old guy and the fat guy into Gerry, who took a lot of heat for ogling, inappropriate comments, and other heinous things that a middle-aged guy trying to fit in with the kids might do. They also combined the black guy and the gay guy into one memorable houseguest who has never gone away.

It's hard to understand the mutual grooming activities of this group of hamsters. It might have been the heat, the confinement, the tedium, or a reversion to an archetypical primate memory. Whatever the root cause, several of the houseguests spent their days popping each other's zits, pulling hairs, and who knows what else.

Roddy, the "intellectual" and would-be "debil" of the cast, paired off with skanky Chiara in a reality-TV version of My Fair Lady. The interest quickly faded once the proximity effect wore off.

Lisa, the original stunning brunette, paired up with rough-and-ready Eric, whose most amusing moments came when he was asleep. His immortal romantic line, "hi," has been sweeping young ladies off their feet for ... oh, about two months. Once separated, Lisa quickly remembered that she was in a game, and voted to bring drama queen Amy back into the house instead of her squeeze. That move won her the grand prize. Hopefully the money lasted her longer than her relationship with Eric, which fizzled soon after interest in BB3 did.

Love and the Evil Doctor: BB2

Following a dull first season, the Endemol franchise was handed to Arnold Shapiro, with more attempts at provocations and twists.

Romance blossomed for real, the second season. Will Kirby, the Evil Doctor, master of deception, and BB All-Star, settled in with Shannon, the feisty realtor/riverboat captain, and future red-haired Playboy model. While the television show's coverage of their romance was fairly tame, internet feed watchers report that "Lewinskis were traded nightly." TV viewers were treated to a few seconds of heavy breathing in a darkened room. Was it real, or was it proximity? It was real enough for hot-headed Shannon to scrub the toilet with HOH Hardy's toothbrush when he nominated her honey. It was also real enough for her to forget about her body-building boyfriend at home.

Internet feedsters still talk about an alleged hot-tub footjob in that the Evil Doctor received from high-strung Nicole, but video clips of the incident are difficult--if not impossible--to find. CBS began their coverage with a banner plane accusing Nicole of cheating on hubby in the hot tub, causing the first of many meltdowns.

Down-home Louisiana girl Krista found love not once, but twice. With her choices, she might have been better off alone. Her first flirtation was with broken-toothed sociopath Justin Sebik. Their dalliance ended abruptly when he held a knife to her throat and became the first BB hamster to be frogmarched from the diary room. Krista tearfully wrote a goodbye note to Justin in nail polish, but got over her heartbreak fairly soon. Once an ambulance-chasing attorney convinced here there was litigation money to be made from CBS, her achy breaky heart was all better.

Justin was not her only flame in the house. Party boy, untalented rapper, and walking advertisement for his business investments Mike Booger was so smitten with Krista he proposed to her on the finale. Real, proximity, or hype? Only his accountant knows for sure.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Love and The New House: BB1

It was a new game at the dawn of a new era in television. Endemol's Big Brother franchise came to the USA with hopes of success following the European model. The producers were also hoping for hook-ups among the spirited youngsters. Viewers were treated to flirtation between two nice kids, and the two edgy characters of the season.

Love almost bloomed between Josh, the happy-go-lucky kid, and Brittany, the 20-something virgin with the colorful hair. Brit's constant visual cries for attention belied her inability to form intimate relationships, with the exeption of the one houseguest less mentally stable than herself. America watched as Britney and Josh got closer and closer, only to pull back at the critical moment.

Will "Mega" was the outspoken inner city youth counselor from Philadelphia. Jordan was the stripper from Minnesota. As the two outcasts, they formed a strong friendship with an element of flirtation. Mega was later criticized by his mentor, Khalid Muhmmad, for his dalliance with the bad-news blonde.

As it turned out, we were treated to a Trinitron dance, a one-legged loudmouth, a lip-glossed future TV reporter...but no love in the new house.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Welcome to Hamster Love!

Relationship and internet expert Lakshmi Chandra will spend the summer with you, exploring the inner worlds of the Big Brother All Stars.